General discussion


Oldies but goodies

By joecool ·
This has been around for a while. It's still funny. It covers from the mail room guy to the president of your company and everyone in between.

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, but we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 different screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get
into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send all urgent e-mail using upper-case letters. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the
problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
'shortly'?" That motivates us, greatly.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes or into the ether-net.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up"

17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

18. When using new software, be sure not to look in the manual. We know everything about of every piece of software for every operating
system ever written, otherwise we shouldn't be in IT.

19. In fact, throw the manual out as soon as possible after you get new software, since they tend to take up deskspace and are full of words.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the last software upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a
pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

22. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on the "Yes" button as fast as you can. ****, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

23. When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs
up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

24. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of
professional expertise referred to as crap.

25. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT
support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and top laser printer manufacturers recommend that it be performed only by a professional engineer or someone with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

26. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT Support.

27. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.

28. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

29. When you receive a 100mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on the mail server.

30. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

31. When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

32. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Palookaville like to keep abreast of what's going on in the big city.

33. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

34. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

35. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll know all of the settings and find the drivers somewhere.

36. Be sure to keep your IT department 'in the loop'. Make sure you properly advise them of all of the latest software and hardware
advancements in front of your peers. A good source of material is your local newspaper or PC Magazine.

37. Also, if a piece of software doesn't work exactly the same way at home as it does in the office, the office computer is wrong.

38. Make sure to inform the IT department that one of your/friend's/relative's kid or grandson / daughter is a computer-whiz who fixed your last home PC problem. Offer to have him come in and take a look at our
network for us.

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