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Seasons Greetings to you all

By Roy Penfold ·
Tags: Off Topic
Dear All

Please accept from me (the "wisher") with no obligation, express or implied, my best wishes to you (the "wishee") for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, climatically pleasant, gastronomically rewarding, low stress, non-addictive and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice,with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice any religious or secular traditions whatsoever.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without prejudice to or due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, gender, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting the terms specified therein or implied thereby. This greeting is subject to modification or revocation, with or without notice, at the sole discretion of and to such extent as may determined by the wisher. This wish is freely transferable if transmitted without alteration. It implies no promise by the wisher actually to implement any of the wishes for any wishee howsoever these may be stated or implied. It is void where prohibited by law; the wisher undertakes no responsibility for the determination of the existence or extent of any such legal prohibition; and the wishee accepts this wish with the express assumption of any risk, including without limitation, of the unenforceability in the wisher's jurisdiction.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever event first so arises; this warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new and different wish, at the sole discretion of the wisher and subject to the same terms and conditions.)

Very truly yours,

The Wishee

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Right back atcha!

by maecuff In reply to Seasons Greetings to you ...

Season's Greetings!

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing").

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

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by Tig2 In reply to Seasons Greetings to you ...

And a very Merry Whatever and Happy Whenever to you as well!

Loved the funny!

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Yes, Super Stuff!

by VAR1016 In reply to Excellent!

Full marks - excellent.

As an unreformed, unreconstructed, cantankerous, "politically-incorrect" 'fifties' man, let me wish you all a Happy Christmas, or "Bonne No?l" as we say here in France - and of course, a Happy New Year.


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You're good in this crowd

by Tig2 In reply to Yes, Super Stuff!

Not too many people willing to face the flame wars that ensue over political correctness. This is a good thing!

And of course, a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you as well.

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Thanks Again!

by VAR1016 In reply to You're good in this crowd

Thank you - I say, in the word of the renownedly politically-correct John Wayne: "The **** with 'em"!

And thanks for the greetings, much appreciated.


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Please let me (the wishee) accept the

by The Scummy One In reply to Seasons Greetings to you ...

obligation free wish from (the wisher). I would also like to extend an obligation free best wishes in return following all of the previous written and or implied holiday or not wishes as well.

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Under the advice of counsel

by NickNielsen In reply to Seasons Greetings to you ...

I am unable to accept this wish under the conditions stated in the EULA.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Seasoned Greetings.

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To all TR members

by mjd420nova In reply to Seasons Greetings to you ...

May you all have the MERRIEST OF HOLIDAYS.
That's about as PC as I can get and still convey my wishes to all to enjoy the holidays and not become upset.

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And what if I dont want a

by The Scummy One In reply to To all TR members

Merry Holiday??? Did you think of that???
Hmmm, I must get my lawyer to look at your post :^0 :^0

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