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Sunday one-liners

By neilb@uk ·
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The Edinburgh Festival listed the following as the "best one-liners". Some of them won't cross the Atlantic.

OK, here we go...

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what! Never again.

I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

I picked up a hitch-hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands ? I say "bought", I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty.

And the worst...

I've got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that's the point, isn't it?

I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price.

I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.

I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it.

Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs.

How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.

My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.

Neil :)

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