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The I Got Bored Of Waiting YUK

By Steffi28 ·
Tags: Off Topic
Couldnt wait any longer for someone to make a YUK, I need to laugh so I thought i might as well make it myself. Heres my first imput - Funny and Useful

Best Excuses if you get caught sleeping at your desk....

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. "

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

"Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broke...."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands"

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Apologies in Advance :)

by Steffi28 In reply to The I Got Bored Of Waitin ...

A business mans company tell him that he will have to take a long business trip to japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He loves her still but everytime she does it it breaks his heart and this trip will be the longest he has been on. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat and has done less and less. Having given up smoking he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction so he decides to go to a sex shop to get her something to keep her amused.
On his way home he goes to a little sex shop. He looks around for a bit but doesnt really find anything satisfactory. Just as he is about to leave the owner calls him over.
"Your looking for something special?"
"Yes, i need something to keep my wife busy while im away so she wont cheat"
The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden *****.
"Whats so special about that?" asks the man
"Watch... Voodoo ***** door"
To the mans suprise the ***** rises from the box and starts fucking the keyhole of the door.
"Voodoo ***** box"
The ***** stops and drops back into its box.
"Thats amazing i'll take it"
After paying for it he walks home with a smile on his face. The next morning after packing he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.
After a week she feels then need for a shag but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the *****.
"Voodoo ***** my *****"
The ***** rises obediently from the box and starts to shag her brains out.
A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the sexual exstasy however she forgets the turn off command. And as she is well into orgasm numer eleven she cant think straight. she trys to pull it out to stop it but it doesnt work, so she deciedes that she will have to go to hospital to have it removed.
In the car on the way there she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer see's this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down.
"Have you been drinking?"
"No" The now destrought woman replys
"A voodoo ***** is shagging me and i cant get it to stop im on my way to hospital to have it removed"
"Voodoo *****" the officer laughs "My arse"

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Apols, Steffi, you DID get the memo!

by gadgetgirl In reply to Apologies in Advance :)

Apples and Wine

Women
are like apples on
trees. The best ones
are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach
for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. So,
they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that are not as good, but easy. The
apples at the top think something is wrong
with them, when in reality, they're amazing
They just have to wait for the right man
to come along, the one who is brave
enough to climb all the way
to the
top
of the
tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes,
and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them
until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples you know.

Edit to test formatting!

GG

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Still half way through the stomping stage

by Steffi28 In reply to Apols, Steffi, you DID ge ...

My man is still not something acceptable to have dinner with. Suppose I musn't be stomping hard enough eh?

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T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Apols, Steffi, you DID ge ...

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a
blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her
biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,> "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, 'T-G-I-F' means
"Thank Goodness It's Friday". Get it,duuhhh?"

The man answered, 'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday".


So I would hazard a guess that these apples came from the ground at the bottom of the tree right GG?

However you are correct women marry men for what they are and then try to change them to suit what they think they want and when they eventually manage to get exactly what they have been working so hard to get they decide that they didn't want it in the first place. :^0

Naturally SWMBO or Hilda as I'm now calling her as she dislikes Hilda even more has failed miserably with me. :)

But what's even worse is that when I tell her the truth she doesn't believe me so I'm stick with making up stories that she wants to hear to have a Quite Life.

Col ]:)

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Men's Prayer

by ProfessorCurt In reply to Apols, Steffi, you DID ge ...

From the other side of the aisle....
I'm a man
But I can change
If I have to
I guess
(Red Green and the Possum Lodge Opening Prayer)

Just remember GG, Men ARE like wine and vinegar:
If you stomp a man too much, then ignore him long enough, he'll turn sour and someone else will use him to season THEIR lives!!

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:) nice, as this is

by rob mekel In reply to The I Got Bored Of Waitin ...

your bored kinda humour, then be bored more often :)

btw if you add Friday Yuk to the tags-list ppl will find this one quicker. :)
-----
A Brief Affair


A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

--------
A Lawyer's Priorities


Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beatiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to **** her!"

"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"

------------


Have a nice weekend all :)

Rob

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Thanks.

by Steffi28 In reply to :) nice, as this is

Thanks for the advice, friday yuk now in the tags. Well it is my first one after all :)

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YW

by rob mekel In reply to Thanks.

Must be nice to be home during these Seasonal day's :)

Hope you won't mis the Bavarian beer to much

Rob

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a groaner

by Shellbot In reply to The I Got Bored Of Waitin ...

to steer awway from the sex themes..perverts the lot of you!!
(haha..keep em coming, i love, i really do :) )

anyways..this is a bad one:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(A masterpiece)

(Wait for it)

(Here it comes)

The bank manager looks back at her and says ...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are ..)

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Brave Soldiers

by Shellbot In reply to The I Got Bored Of Waitin ...

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir"

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bad. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir."

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."

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