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The Mambo Friday Yuk

By gadgetgirl ·
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Ok, all, I need your help here.

Mambo has stated definitively that he is joining the Impure Brigade, as stated here:

http://techrepublic.com.com/5208-6230-0.html?forumID=102&threadID=207806&messageID=2149929

Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I personally would particularly miss that red glow in the western sky.

So to see if we can shock him back into his rightful role as the Guardian of the Pure, this is going to be a Very Impure Yuk.....

Lets restore that warm glow to DMambo!

]:)

------------------

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll **** your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says


ARE YOU: IN LOVE, LUST OR MARRIED?

LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?
LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.
LOVE......................when you share everything you own.
LUST.......................when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE............when the bank owns everything.
LOVE......................when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST.......................when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE............what's a climax?
LOVE......................when you phone each other just to say "G'day".
LUST.......................when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE............when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE......................when you write poems about your partner.
LUST.......................when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE............when all you write is checks.
LOVE......................when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST.......................when you couldn't give a ****.
MARRIAGE............when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE......................when your farewell is "I love you darling ..."
LUST.......................when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE............when your farewell is silent.
LOVE......................when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST.......................when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE............when you never see each other awake.
LOVE......................when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST.......................when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE............when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE......................when nobody else matters.
LUST.......................when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE............when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE......................when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST.......................when it's just the same mushy old ****.
MARRIAGE............when you never listen to music.
LOVE......................when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST.......................when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE............when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE......................when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST.......................when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE............when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.


Small problems

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

and finally, one for the boys! <snigger!>

CAUGHT CHEATING

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Happy Friday, and wonderful weekend, peeps!

GG

]:)

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Age and Treachery

by NickNielsen In reply to The Mambo Friday Yuk

Not impure, but still contains a lesson...

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

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doctor doctor

by heml0ck In reply to Age and Treachery

Esther is in a bad way and goes to see her doctor.
"Doctor Myers, what's wrong with me? Just look at the state of my face. When I woke up this morning, I glanced in the mirror and nearly fainted at what I saw. My hair has gone gray and wiry and is starting to fall out, my lovely skin has become pasty looking and horribly wrinkled and both my eyes are bloodshot and bulging from their sockets. I look like someone who has just died. What on earth is wrong with me?"
Doctor Myers gives Esther a quick examination, looks her in the eyes.
"Well, I can say one thing I've discovered," he says.
"There's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"

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A couple more

by neilb@uk In reply to The Mambo Friday Yuk

Best I could do. I'm actually having to WORK at the moment!

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "that's good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor apartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, ""Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her.
As she passed the 10th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, ""Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I screw! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"****!" he said, and dropped her.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary and, as the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t:ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

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Choosing a wife

by Lost_in_NY In reply to The Mambo Friday Yuk

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first got a total make-over. She went to a fancy beauty salon, got her
hair done, new make-up and bought several new outfits, and dressed up very
nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She bought him a new set of
golf clubs, some new tech gadgets, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much
Again, the man was impressed.

The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the
$5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint
account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

And then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.

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a recent survey....

by heml0ck In reply to Choosing a wife

According to a recent survey, men say the first
thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

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Here's a video

by maecuff In reply to The Mambo Friday Yuk

just for Mambo the Pure..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfHqv8YAA9w

Oh, and for any of you guys out there, it offers a perfect excuse if you happen to have, well, you know...a size issue.

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I've never...

by heml0ck In reply to Here's a video

encountered one that was "TOO" big... ]:)

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That puts a whole new meaning

by Dontknowwhatimdoing In reply to Here's a video

on the Vulcan greeting doesn't it? ]:)

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oooh

by heml0ck In reply to That puts a whole new mea ...

the possibilities!

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This has always been known

by jdclyde In reply to Here's a video

as being able to play "lion tamer"!

(you know, when they stick their head in the lions mouth? :0 )

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