The next big flail I’m expecting from Microsoft
I’m wailing too much over my P.C.
Feels like I wanna put the blame on Windows O.S.
For some reason, I think it loses feature with every upgrade…
Not to give them any ideas…but I feel like the cursor is one last vulnerability that has, as yet, been spared.
It shudders me to think of how their techs might “enhance” this reliable interface feature:
“NEW in WINDOWS 12!
Forget choosing your programs off your graphic user interface –
with the Win12 Self-Guided Cursor, your computer will open programs for you!
It uses a sophist algorithm that takes predicted choices based on your statistical demographic age, race, sex, height, location, socioeconomic status, last four letters of your given family surname, and color of your navel lint’s integrated expected behavior (IEB) to guess which computer software you booted up your computer for.
Within seconds, a freshly started Win12 PC will automatically select the IEB program it wants to see you choose, without you choosing!
Watch as the GUI cursor self-directs itself to the software icon…
Gaze in awe as it digitally taps once, then twice, then swiftly double taps to actually open the thing…
And get a snack as it processes the opening for the next 24 minutes
(the IEB program will consume 87% of your computer’s processing resources to work at minimal efficiency)
You’ll be amazed that such a product is being sold in the 21st Century!
So don’t delay – pre-order your subscription to Windows 12 today*
*new Win12 O.S. subscription model charges $25/day of service, plus update fees ($10 per minute of download) and location discretion (high-reliance societies like Sub-Saharan Africa or urban India may expect 4-200x this listed fee)
Self-Directed Cursor FAQ
How can I use the Self-Directed Cursortm?
What will I do better with a Self-Directed Cursortm?
You will never choose a program again.
Can I still choose programs with a PC that uses a Self-Directed Cursortm?
You may, after you disable the Self-Directed Cursortm.
How do I disable the Self-Directed Cursortm?
We’re sorry to hear that you don’t like the Self-Directed Cursortm technology, exclusive to your Windows 12 operating system!
We would love to help you, but first, can you fill out this brief Expectations Survey?
It shouldn’t take more than 20 hours.
No, thank you.
Okay, Have a good day!
Wait, I haven’t yet–
Published by the Windows World Improvement Foundation”
(everything typed here, oc, is satire)