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Tuesday Chuckle

By Shellbot ·
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Hair dryer

by Shellbot In reply to Tuesday Chuckle

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask you a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well I bought an expensive woman's hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, my dear, but I must warn you I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you"
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The Officer asked "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to the bottom of my waist I have nothing to declare"
The Officer thought this answer strange, so asked "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said "Go ahead, Father. Next?"

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You know...

by cmiller5400 In reply to Hair dryer

I damn near choked to death on a potato chip when I read that. I think I inhaled it into my lung :0

Thanks for the laugh!!!

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you should

by Shellbot In reply to You know...

be more careful when reading and eating potato chips


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It's a bad habbit, reading and eating...

by cmiller5400 In reply to you should

I LOVE sea salt and malt vinegar chips. Burns like h3!! though when it goes down the wrong pipe. ]:)

On a side note, that made me hungry for fish and chips (don't know where that craving came from? Left field I guess ) The best one I had was somewhere just outside of London. I don't remember where it was (I wish I could though, I was only 14 at the time)

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haha i like that shellbot

by RookieTech In reply to Hair dryer

im gonna switch my language to german so i dont have to worry about a heart attack

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Alcohol makes you smarter

by melias In reply to Tuesday Chuckle

It works this way.
In the wild, predators kill the slow and weak from the herds, making the herds faster and healthier. (**** on the others though)
Alcohol works the same way, it kills off the slow and weak brain cells, leaving only the strong, healthy cells behind. Since you only use the healthy brain cells, you get a lower 'signal to noise' ratio. Hence, you are smarter! Please pass me the Rum.

edit - damn spelling!

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blonde girl loses job

by jck In reply to Tuesday Chuckle

A blonde girl comes home from work looking dejected. Her mother asks, "Oh, honey. What's wrong?". The blonde says, "Well, ma. I lost my job at the M&M factory today."

Hearing this, the mother asks, "Why did you go and do that?" The blonde replies, "Well, ma. They said I wasn't doin my job right." The mother looks at her and says, "Well, child...what did they say that you did so wrong?"

The blonde looks her straight in the eye and says, "I threw out all the darn Ws."

:^0 (btw...that was told to me by a pretty lil blonde :) )

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Reasons why a Guinness is better than a woman

by jck In reply to Tuesday Chuckle

Guinness never has a headache.

Guinness doesn't have a birthday to forget.

You can have a Guinness in front of your mother and father.

Guinness never cries or gets jealous.

Guinness isn't bossy.

Your mates won't make fun of you for having an incredibly large Guinness.

Guinness doesn't have a mother-in-law.


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I KNOW this is stupid

by maecuff In reply to Tuesday Chuckle

and old..but it still cracks me up..

Patient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
Doctor: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome....'
Patient: 'Is it common?'
Doctor: It's not unusual....'

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by NickNielsen In reply to I KNOW this is stupid
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