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Tuesday funnies - July 10, 2012

By PurpleSkys ·
Tags: Off Topic
Ten reasons you know you're living in 2009

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
9. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
10. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. :)

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Well a completely Clean Joke for a change

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Tuesday funnies - July 10 ...

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

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by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Tuesday funnies - July 10 ...

Attendance Call – First Day At School

Attendance call on the first day back at school in Broadmeadows Primary School near Birmingham.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"

"Ahmed El Kabul?"

"Fatima Al Chadoury? "

"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"

"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"

"Mi Cha El Mey Er"

Silence in the classroom. "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"

A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Michael Meyer."

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O.K.; I got a clean one, after all:

by hippiekarl In reply to Tuesday funnies - July 10 ...

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him: How much is that faucet? The manager replied: Thats a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00. Mary exclaimed: My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. Its certainly out of my price bracket. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled: "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?". Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No...but I will for the faucet."

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That's just plain BAD

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to O.K.; I got a clean one, ...

Nearly as bad as a woman at a hardware store running away from me and complaining to her boss that I had sworn at her by asking where the files where.

She wanted to know what type of File I needed and ran away when I said Flat Bastard. I'm still not sure how to ask for one of those now.


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be thankful you weren't after a round ******* or a pointed ******* -nt

by Deadly Ernest In reply to That's just plain BAD
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Or a

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to be thankful you weren't a ...

Mill Bastard. :^0

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my funny for the day

by PurpleSkys In reply to Tuesday funnies - July 10 ...

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
and says: Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you cant come in here.
So the engineer reports to the gates of **** and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in ****, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators.
The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, how's it going down there in ****?
Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. Theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
God replies, What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now.
Satan shouts back, No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him.
God says, Send him back up here or I'll sue.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?

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by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Tuesday funnies - July 10 ...

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.'

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.'

This was beyond a silent response...

So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'

With a death grip in place, she said...

'You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of
the gardener ,
the postman,
the Milk man
your brother!'

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See? I try to gauge my jokes to stay in line with the Mods' own

by hippiekarl In reply to LITTLE FLAB !!


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But But But

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to See? I try to gauge my jo ...

I'm only posting similar things to Purple Skies.

Well actually they are the cleanest ones I can find.


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