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By sleepin'dawg ·
Tags: Off Topic
A sign at a Scottsdale, Arizona Golf Club

1. Keep Your Back Straight, Knees Bent & Feet Shoulder-Width Apart.
2. Form a Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down.
4. Avoid a Quick Backswing.
5. Stay Out of the Water.
6. Try Not to Hit Anyone.
7. If You are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly in Front of Others.
9. Quiet Please... While Others are Preparing.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
11. Waggling it more than twice will count as strokes and will mean you're playing with it


Dawg ]:)

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by sleepin'dawg In reply to [u][b]ATTENTION GOLFERS[/ ...

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find
her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was
about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps
you should hear how all this came about..."

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman
looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a
meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for
your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which
were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

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A shaggy dog story

by sleepin'dawg In reply to [u][b]ATTENTION GOLFERS[/ ...

Apparently this woman's miniature schnauzer had an infection in
its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and
that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a
depilatory cream.

The women went to a drug store and asked the druggist for
assistance in selecting an appropriate product.

He went on about how some were better for use on legs and how
some were gentler and better for removing facial hair.

He then said, "May I ask where you intend to use this?"

She replied, "Well, it's for my schnauzer."

He said "Okay, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."

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A Lovely Tie

by sleepin'dawg In reply to [u][b]ATTENTION GOLFERS[/ ...

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he
walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card
table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are
only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I
will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the
east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way!
The restaurant has all the water you need."

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting
at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Bastards wouldn't let me in without a

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****ing Women Drivers

by The Scummy One In reply to [u][b]ATTENTION GOLFERS[/ ...

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on her eye liner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back
she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped
my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the
confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the
steering wheel, It knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into
the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
important call.

*!#@ women drivers!!!

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Next time -- clean your screen!

by The Scummy One In reply to [u][b]ATTENTION GOLFERS[/ ...

This is something that I know you will need to do! You have all the needed equipment!!

Must be opened from a desktop and not a blackberry.

I know you don't clean your computer screen very often and it is
hard to do the inside, so here is my present to you.

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Damn!!! That's a really good one!!! I'm saving it.

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Next time -- clean your s ...

It ranks right up there with :
It's so good I'm saving it with a minor modification or two.

Next - clean your screen! Very Important!!!

This is something that I know you need to do! You have all the necessary ability to do this!!!
I know you don't clean your computer screen very often and it is
hard to do the inside, so here is a little utility program for you to run.

It will only takes a moment or two, so be patient, it's really worth the effort.
It's really quite simple; all that is required is for you to click on the following link.

I'll be burning a few with this one from time to time. Thank's Scummy!!!

Dawg ]:)

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any way to set this as a desktop wallpaper?

by Slayer_ In reply to Next time -- clean your s ...

I tried writing some HTML code for it, using both the old and new methods, neither worked, any suggestions?

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I would try...

by Pringles86 In reply to any way to set this as a ...

Using photoshop or another program to convert it to an animated gif, then set the animated gif as the background. I haven't tried it though...

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Yeah I tried it

by Slayer_ In reply to I would try...

Funny my old 300mhz machine can do it find, but on this AMD duel core 2.4ghz machine, the GIF barely plays at all.... The world just doesn't make sense anymore .

I was a little tempted to make it into a screensavor by braking down the images as you say, loading them all up into memory and blitting them to the screen, but seems like a lot of work for something I am sure someone has already done.

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by ---TK--- In reply to Yeah I tried it

google "camstudio" <- free desktop recorder, which will turn it into an .avi, then convert the .avi to wmv... and use dreamscene.... presto :)

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