After Hours

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Where's Friday Yuk???? It's August but not everyone can be on vacation.

By sleepin'dawg ·
Tags: Off Topic
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and
shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her
not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical
costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and
provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the
hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of
them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car
and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child
is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner
approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

Dawg ]:)

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The Blonde's Job Interview

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Where's Friday Yuk???? It ...

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.

"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, "Ummmm... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot four!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics -- something the interviewee won't have to count, measure or look up. "Just to confirm for our records, ma'am, what's your name, please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about 15 seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying: "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the blonde, "I was just running through that song."

"Song? What song?" the interviewer asks.

"You know!" the blonde says. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...."

Dawg ]:)

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Free Sex !!!!

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Where's Friday Yuk???? It ...

Redneck Country

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed ( and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week".

Dawg ]:)

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The Famous Jesus and Satan Computer Battle

by sleepin'dawg In reply to Free Sex !!!!


Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

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by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Where's Friday Yuk???? It ...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
"In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.

Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

Col ]:)

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There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Growing OLD GRACEFULLY

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm
off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good
morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
been expecting you.'

Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long'

Mrs Smith fainted!

Col ]:)

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by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Where's Friday Yuk???? It ...

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN . Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fibre today

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom..

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes.

Col ]:)

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Useless Facts

by HAL 9000 Moderator In reply to Where's Friday Yuk???? It ...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone ! (and God love that pig!)

Col ]:)

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Customer complaints

by tcavadias Staff In reply to Where's Friday Yuk???? It ...

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

-Tammy :-)

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by santeewelding In reply to Customer complaints

I have to raise, or lower, my estimate. I'm not sure which.

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Here's your sign...

by tcavadias Staff In reply to Madam

that was what went through my mind when I first read that joke.. I love Bill Engvall

-Tammy :-)

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