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Why I Hate (secular) Christmas

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by dmambo

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For the first 90% of the book, the Grinch had it right! Christmas is nothing more than a pain in my a$$.

Here are some of my reasons, feel free to add your own:

1) I am cheap. Not just frugal, not just slightly tight, I mean cheap. And Christmas just means spending money.

2)Everyone is so damn jolly. If they meant it, I could ignore it, but when it's so obviously contrived, it makes me want to strangle people.

3) Expectations are so high, results are so bad. I do a crummy job of selecting gifts and the recipients are always disappointed. For anything I get, I would always choose somethng else.

4) It's too "over the top". The big inflatable lawn decorations make me want to puke.

5) It's so incredibly wasteful. Food, money, gifts, gasoline, it all gets spent like there's nothing better to do with it. I'd rather my mother-in-law contribute to her favorite charity than give me another sweater.

6) Crowds. I hate 'em.

7) Christmas songs on the radio. 'Nuff said.

8) Drunk drivers. I hope they all get busted before they kill anyone.

I'm truly looking forward to when I'm in my 70's and people will excuse me for being curmugeonly. Until then, keep your tinsel out of my face.

Whew, I feel better already.

(Editor's note - My wife dragged me out Christmas shopping yesterday. I'm still winding down. Sorry!)

210 replies

by maecuff

taking you out shopping yesterday. Because if you AREN'T my husband, y'all were separated at birth..

I've even shortened curmudgeon and simply call my husband mudge. Here's a tip. Drink. It makes everything a bit more merry.

by mjd420nova

If you don't believe, you needn't participate,
we all make of it what we want, be it in our
homes or at our jobs. Some must be jovial or
the paychecks stops, and the wife refuses your
advances. Take your pick or make no choice,
it doesn't matter to me. Giving is to me what
makes me a better person, and I really enjoy
the smiles and laughs I get, How much simpler can it be. And it need not be confined to a
specific holiday or season. I can't believe anyone would subject themselves to self
flagelation except to make others happy...
But then that's the whole idea RIGHT???

by maecuff

Christmas is about spending money you don't have, fighting with your dysfunctional family, disappointing your children because you won't get them EXACTLY what they want. And a vile subtance called eggnog.

by dr dij

it celebrates:
either Santa, or possibly 'X' (probably not Malcom-X, he was a bit gloomy).

or maybe 'crass commercialism' and "stupid 8' bubble displays" as you mentioned,
or the birth of demanding consumerism in your kids. One was stolen out here. the family took down their whole x-mas display because of thieves.

seriously, I'm totally non-religious but the lights 'un-gloomify' (I'm copying the president and making up words now) the dreary cold dark days of mid-winter.

and if you're the recipient of a present is nice too. even sending out cards is a nice thing to do, regardless of the mass of X.

by jdclyde

The boys and I have been waiting for it to come back to the markets.

We consume mass quantities!

If you don't like, try some Captain Morgans and a touch of nutmeg! Mmmmmmm!

I just divorced myself from all the dysfunctional family I had, so it will truely be a Merry Christmas!

by jaqui

I gotta agree, eggnog is a vile substance that should be pulled from the market as toxic waste.

by dc guy

Too much "putting the X back in Xmas" for you, eh? I sympathize.

Almost every culture in every era has celebrated the changing of the seasons--at least in places where they have seasons. They represent the stages of our own life and are important dates regulating the activities of all people except those in the most recent industrial and post-industrial societies.

Passover, Easter, Mayday, Independence Day, Oktoberfest, Halloween, Saturnalia, Christmas, it doesn't matter what we call them or what traditions we attach to them. Whether we engage in courtship, the exchange of gifts, drunken revelry, feasting, patriotic ceremonies, or prayer. Whether we believe that what is being celebrated is a matter of historical record, a fairy tale, or a metaphor. It's an archetype: something that we share with all other people in all other places and times. Something we have in "common" that helps maintain our sense of "community."

So you live in a place and time when the people around you observe the coming of winter in a way that doesn't touch you. That's fine. You're hardly alone. The lost spirituality, the overwhelming commercialization, the misdirected gift-giving, the noise, the frenzy, the sense of obligation, the helplessness, the sheer hysteria... this is all headline news this time of year and has been for decades.

You're an intelligent, well-educated person or you probably wouldn't be on TR. Do some thinking of your own. Contemplate the coming of winter. The slowing down of nature's processes, the ubiquitous demise of living things, the cold, the darkness, the difficulties. The faith that things will start up again because the alternative is too awful to contemplate.

Do you see any parallels to what civilization as a whole is going through? Is the advent of winter especially poignant in our era because it stikes a nerve? Will things really start up again or have we blown it for good this time?

Perhaps the celebration of Christmas has become so compulsive and frenetic during my lifetime precisely because people feel a growing sense of anxiety. Perhaps we make merry for the same reason that our Stone Age ancestors did: to shove our joy, no matter how contrived and exhausted, in the faces of the evil spirits who have been trying unusually hard to take us down. Is this a classic example of "human nature"?

If that's not the way you feel like dealing with it, it's up to you. That celebration is merely a backhanded gift to those evil spirits. Be calm and think about things instead, a little more thinking can really help us out.

To restate a common aphorism in a new light: It's not the gift, it's the thought that counts.

by jaqui

really the coming of winter.
it's midwinter.
the solstice is the midpoint of the season.

so the celebration is for the death of winter, the birth of spring.

by master3bs

I've been so jolly, I've literally been listening (off and on) to Christmas music every month this year. I love it!

What bugs me is how hard it actually is to find Christmas songs on the radio. I know some stations play them, but very few play them continously. It had been difficult to consistently find them on the radio.

People complain about the repetitve nature of Christmas songs at Christmas. They'd rather listen to the same repetitive songs the radio plays all year long.

This might help you; I refer you to this blog post by me: http://tinyurl.com/bk3vk

by jdclyde

You are spending too much time hating the comercialized version, and not enough time enjoying the real version.

Christmas is a time of family.

Christmas is a time of SLOWING DOWN and spending time with each other, not speeding up to appear like a postcard christmas. (note lowercase "c").

I keep it simple and don't worry about impressing people with how much money I could spend on them. $25 average gift does it nicely for friends and family, so I am looking under $200 thanks to not having to WASTE money on the Ex-wifes family and friends! About another $300 on my boys (150 each) and I am looking at about $500 total. By no means breaking the bank, and does not include holiday charities and local food banks.

I take extra days off just before Christmas, so I am not working long hours AND trying to get the last minute stuff done. Helps make things MUCH more relaxed.

I keep family close and take the time to listen to what they have to say. We DO things together. We are thankful of this time together.

That is the Christmas you need to get back in touch with. Christmas of a child, simple and innocent, joyful and remembering God.

Have some nice tinsel my friend. Get a big handful of missletoe, give your loving wife a big kiss and have a Merry Christmas TOGETHER.

as for the checklist:
1) only buy for SPECIAL people, not out of guilt because you happen to know someone on a first name basis. Big family? Often drawing a single name and getting that one gift is best. If kids, have only the kids exchange gifts when the family gets together.

2) How can someone like you allow anyone else to determine how YOU will feel? No one can MAKE you feel anyway you don't CHOOSE to feel.

3) Talk about the gift giving process before hand. I have found that while on the impersonal side from an adults perspective, gift cards are GREAT gifts from the teens perspective as they can then REALLY choose what will make THEM happy. Adults? Gift cards to go out for a nice meal someplace nice. (just remember your per/person amount. something your comfortable with)

4) Don't put up decorations that don't make you happy. Choose to not allow other peoples decorations to annoy you.

5) Does it bring joy to anyone in your family? If so, it is NOT a waste. Just have a plan and a budget. Don't let it be about spend spend spend.

6) Go off hours when you go shopping. You can avoid a lot of the crowds also by finishing up ANY AND ALL shopping that will need to be done in advance instead of waiting for the few daze before Christmas. Make a LIST of who to shop for AND what to get. IF you have an idea before going to the store and you go to buy something specific it doesn't take nearly as long. I love Barns & Nobles gift cards! (hint hint!)

7) Get a CD or tape player. Ta DA! Solved! Got an iPod? Wear that IN the stores so you don't have to be subjected to this same music inside!

8) Drunk drivers. Report any and all suspected drunk drivers, no exceptions.

by maecuff

I like putting my tree up. And I like wrapping presents (at least the first 5 or so). I like the David Bowie and Bing Crosby version of The Little Drummer Boy. I like watching the little kids open their presents (they seem to love everything). On the other hand, there is a person walking around the office with jingle bells around her neck and I'm pretty sure I'm going to kill her before Christmas.

by jdclyde

you have so much in your life to be so happy about, how could something as simple as the comercialization of Christmas bring you down for a whole month?

To some, the glass is half full.
To some, the glass is half empty.
To me, you have too big of a glass.

Enjoy what you have.

by road-dog

For my entire married life, each Christmas has had to top the Christmas before. Bigger and more decorations, meals, sweets, presents, and expectations. It was never enough, and December 26th was a day of relief.

Thanksgiving to new year's eve became a marathon of avarice, jealousy, gluttony, self-flagelation, and excess. It was a season of striving for the unattainable by means of the unsustainable.

I grenaded my marriage and now I'm starting afresh with a leaner, less stressful, and more meaningful Christmas season. Quite frankly, I'm happy not having to spend the weeks before Christmas avoiding the social minefield of other people's expectations. I'm enjoying not running myself ragged only to feel like I've disappointed somebody by not making it to their house at the apex of their celebration.

If you are as tired of it all as you sound, just step off the treadmill. Learn to say "NO!" To friends, in-laws, kids, and everyone else who wants you to commit to things that will steal your 'peace on earth" this season.

You will be the bad guy for a while, but you will ultimately find it a worthwhile fight, taking back Christmas for yourself.

As for the egg nog, I usually buy a half gallon right after thanksgiving and glug the whole thing and make myself sick of the stuff for the whole season. This year I've managed to exert a little control and still enjoying the daily dose of it. Moderation in all things....

by jdclyde

I had a few years where it was the same as you. Run run run, rush rush rush. Nothing was ever "good enough" no matter how you tried and you weren't suppose to be trying for "good enough" in the first place.

Postcard Christmas is what was expected.

Not now, not anymore.

Life is good. (now)

And if your going to pick on a food people, stick to fruitcake. It DESERVES its bad rap! Eggnog is just at the wrong place at the wrong time and is innocent! We go through a LOT of that stuff....

by maecuff

just not quite right with you. Eggnog is foul. Captain Morgans is fine, but I'd rather just have that straight, why bring eggnog in? In fact, it makes me queasy just thinking about it.

by dmambo

The Bing Crosby/Davis Bowie Little Drummer Boy song?!? I'd like to pa-rum-pa-pum-pum the idiot who came up with that idea upside the head. I'd use a BIIIIIG drum stick.

by maecuff

Has it wormed it's way into your head yet? Is it stuck there, just swirling around? If so..then Merry Christmas. My gift to you. If not, I'll just have to try harder.

by maecuff

And I love watching "A Christmas Story" which is known at my house as "The Ralphie Movie". It never fails to crack me up.

by road-dog

I've seen the last 45 minutes of it about 20 times! Some station is going to show it for 24 hours straight soon. Maybe I'll see it from the beginning for once.

As for music, Give me some Mannheim Steamroller and some TSO, and keep the rest the heck away from me.

by jdclyde

http://tinyurl.com/83g5l

I have volume 1, and JUST NOW see volume 2 is out. I am going to order #2 as soon as I am done with this post.

Volume 1 is GREAT! Rock - n - roll Christmas!

Disclaimer, not for the really really REALLY old people that don't like electric guitars and rock!

by dmambo

But the effect was ruined when the info page included a link to The Osmond Family Christmas. Now I'm right back where I started. Humbug!!!!

by jdclyde

what do you expect?

Until something like this came out, you must admit that the rock christmas selection has been rather lacking. 30 years ago, the Osmonds WERE concidered rock! :^O (or so I have heard!)

Can't speak for the second one (yet) but the first one is GREAT and I drive people NUTS with it!

by dmambo

Let me enjoy my misery. It makes me happy. If it helps, I'll draw a little wreath on the nail of my right middle finger. Then I can show everyone my holiday spirit. ;)

by jdclyde

This is going to be the best Christmas I have had in YEARS!

You can be thankful your spending this with your wife and I can be thankful I am NOT spending this with my ex-wife.

I also have the premo selection of days!

Things are going well with the Country Girl.

I am joyous! You shall be too! It is my mission! If I have to peer you 20 times a day, you WILL be joyous!

Got lots of joke Christmas songs I could send you?

No misery on MY watch!

Oh, when you show your wreath, don't forget to tell people "your number one!".

by maecuff

and bump your head? Discover the joys of crack smoking? Get laid? It HAS to be something. No one should be that upbeat unless you're named Pollyanna or you're in a Disney movie.

by jdclyde

just things are coming together nicely in my life (thanks to my friends! :x )

I have a lot to be happy about, and choose to focus on that rather than the fact that I didn't win the lottery.

by maecuff

I'm thinking about buying a lottery ticket myself. Since that IS my retirement plan, I should probably at least buy one every now and then..

by maecuff

videos are cheap. I like the Santa. And Randy eating like a little piggy. It's the dad who makes the movie, though. He's the ultimate curmudgeon. "He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny..."

by firestar1

"Christmas just means spending money"
1)You hate spending money. Either make batches of several different kinds of confections, candies, cookies and such, or just buy some (making sure they are not like name brand grocery store products), buy cheeses and crackers, packaged sausages that need not be refrigerated, bath salts and oils, things like that, and buy baskets and wrap it in celephane. That way it's more "personal" and you can't get any cheaper...er, more frugal than that.
"Everyone is so damned jolly"
2)Nothing I can suggest about the jolly people except maybe not to strangle them, allow them to live. They will turn back into their normal grouchy old selves soon enough.
"Expectations high, results bad" (referring to gifts)
3)Refer to answer #1. If they don't like the baskets, they weren't going to like what you got them anyway, right?
"Inflatable lawn decorations"
4)Invest in a pellet gun. I don't like the inflatable lawn ornaments, either. You will be performing a service to your community. j/k, you know that, right?
"Incredibly wasteful,...Mother-in-law contribute to charity"
5)If you would rather someone make a contribution to charity in your name, donate the gifts yourself. If your mom-in-law wants to know why you never wear the sweater she gave you, tell her the spirit of St.Nick got you and you started thinking about how lucky you are and all of the less fortunate people in the world.
"Crowds, I hate 'em."
6)You hate crowds? A lot of people do. Get together with all of them and compare notes, or buy a t-shirt and print your own personal message on it. For guys, "Don't bother me, I am having a bad case of PMS", for women, "Don't bug me, my testosterone is WAAY over it's normal level"
"Christmas songs on radio"
7)Don't listen to the radio. But I might advise with the mood you are in don't listen to gangsta rap, either. It might encourage you too much.
"Drunk drivers..."
8)I agreee 100% on the drunk driver complaint. That one is no laughing matter. We can only hope everyone will be thoughtful enough, wise enough to have a designated driver along with them. Everyone with their cell phones these days should call in and report anyone who appears not to be driving safely, take the keys from friends who have had more than enough or do whatever they can to deter this kind of thing. We all need to do our part there.

by road-dog

Your dislike of Christmas probably began during your formative years. You are definitely not alone. See photographs of children beginning the scarring early. Enjoy!

http://tinyurl.com/7yuuq

I take no responsibility for this link. If it causes your harddrive to melt down, your dog to get pregnant, or your car beguns to pull to to the left, or any other unexpected anomalies result, don't come crying to me. I will be checking my email at the coffee shop on my way to the vet muscling my truck between the ditches all the way...

by dmambo

The pictures were great. I especially appreciated the banner ad at the top advertising laser hair removal. "Take that, Santa!"

by Member 25348569

Scrooge was right!

Except for the time off, the booze, the food, drink, prezzies, alcohol, mistletoe, liquor...

Though I must admit, if it wasn't for the kiddies' smiling faces on Christmas Morning, I wouldn't do anything at all.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring except for Neil who was stamping around shouting, "Who's hidden that second bottle of Tequila? How does anyone expect me to make Margaritas without bloody Tequila? If the bastard that nicked my Tequila doesn't own up immediately, you're all out in the snow and you can take your bloody kids with you!"

I might be secular but who says the spirit of Christmas is dead? Happy days!

by jaqui

I only have this to say:

marry kiss my a$$ and clappy new year.

the year changed at the end of october.
and the christ in christmas was born at easter, so take the religous crap and stuff it sideways.

I like the dark, i like the wet.
I HATE bright days.
so the whole thing is depressing..celebrating the birth of spring / summer when I detest them doesn't make any sense.

by firestar1

Forget the tinsel, the crowds and all the holiday traffic, turn off the telly and the radio; forget the eggnog (especially the eggnog), and sit by a nice warm fire and sip on some brandy. That should be gratifying enough to keep any Scrooge or Grinch at bay. :) And for chrissake forget about what the Joneses are doing for the holidays.

by m_a_r_k

[i]1) I am cheap. And Christmas just means spending money. [/i]

Then don't spend any money. Or just buy cheap gifts. Scout around for some garage sales.

[i]2)Everyone is so damn jolly. If they meant it, I could ignore it, but when it's so obviously contrieved, it makes me want to strangle people.[/i]

Why does other people's contrieved [sic] jolliness affect how you feel? Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum. Did you know that [i]Treasure Island[/i] was really a book about Christmas?

[i]3) Expectations are so high, results are so bad. I do a crummy job of selecting gifts and the recipients are always disappointed. For anything I get, I would always choose somethng else.[/i]

Then do only what you expect of yourself. Don't let your life be controlled by what others expect of you. For gifts you get, expect the worst and hope for the best. You can always sell the useless crap you get on eBay.

[i]4) The big inflatable lawn decorations make me want to puke.[/i]

Then don't look at lawn decorations. Or steal your neighbors' lawn decorations and sell them on eBay.

[i]5) It's so incredibly wasteful. Food, money, gifts, gasoline, it all gets spent like there's nothing better to do with it. I'd rather my mother-in-law contribute to her favorite charity than give me another sweater.[/i]

Why does what other people spend concern you? It's good for the economy. And you'd be happy about it if you owned stock in WalMart or K-Mart or PetSmart. And your mentioning the word "mother-in-law" just ruined my Christmas spirit.

[i]6) Crowds. I hate 'em.[/i]

Avoid crowds.

[i]7) Christmas songs on the radio. 'Nuff said.[/i]

Listen to a station that doesn't play Christmas songs. If all stations in your area play Christmas music, then listen to a Spanish station. At least then you won't recognize the words. If you are fluent in Spanish, then move to Mexico and listen to English radio stations.

[i]8) Drunk drivers. [/i]

Don't drive. Or better yet, get more drunk than the other drivers. Pretend it's a demolition derby. Damn, I miss watching demolition derbies on "Wide World of Sports".

[b]Merry Christmas, Mambo!![/b]

:D

by dmambo

I want commiseration. I want to bring the world the special joy of the misery and disgust that I feel. It really is a wonderful feeling to be grumpy all the time for a whole month. It seems like Mae, Jaqui and Neil are with me on this. MARK, JD and firestar are looking at it all wrong.

by maecuff

I like Christmas, I just don't like everything that goes along with it. Our families are in different states, so no matter who we spend the holidays with, SOMEONE is going to be mad. Or, we can do like we did last year and stay home and just piss everyone off.

My mother in law is the queen of guilt. "You should come home, this may be your grandmother's last Christmas.." My husband is very close to his grandmother, so in my opinion, that is just cruel. (But oh so festive).

And we have drama queens on both sides of the family, so they are usually good for some uncomfortable moments.

by bfilmfan

I will recommend that you read A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens:

http://www.literature.org/authors/dickens-charles/christmas-carol/

And as I recall, the Grinch learned this lesson about Christmas:

"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages boxes, or bags!
And he puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas? perhaps? means a little bit more."

Merry Christmas sir

...and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!

by firestar1

Christmas isn't about presents, decorations or food. It's a time to think about how fortunate we are for what we have. The people in our lives, our family, friends, neighbors, co-workers. It's not always easy to remember to count our blessings with all the things that we have to deal with in our lives. Paying the bills, working on that promotion, rush hour traffic, saving for your childrens college tuition and all the things we worry and stress over year 'round. But, once a year, if nothing else, take the time to enjoy the people in your life. The children grow up too fast and move on with their lives, you hardly see them anymore. And you won't outlive everyone you love and care about. Enjoy them while they are still there and you will always have those memories to look back on. Merry Christmas to all!

by Member 25348569

We don't do eggnog.

I've heard about it but what is it? And from what I've heard about it the other question is - why?

Recipe please :)

by firestar1

A drink consisting of eggs beaten with sugar, milk or cream and often people add liquor. Most people just buy it at the grocers/ supermarket. I have a recipe here, though.

4 eggs separated
1/2 cup sugar
2 cups cold milk
1 cup cold light cream
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
add rum if you like,to taste

Beat egg yolks and 1/4 cup sugar until thick and cream colored; gradually add milk, cream, vanilla, salt, and 1/8 teaspoon nutmeg and beat until frothy. Beat egg whites with remaining sugar until soft peaks form and fold in. Cover and chill until serving time. Mix well and pour into punch bowl, and sprinkle with remaining nutmeg. Makes 6 servings at about 250 calories per serving.

The question as to why? Most people like eggs, some like milk, most like nutmeg and most people will drink anything if you add a little liquor to it. ;)

by Member 25348569

You mean there are those who [b]don't[/b] add liquor?

In the UK, eating anything made with raw eggs would give you a fairly good chance of ruining your Christmas with Salmonella food poisoning. I suppose that if you make it with enough good rum you might succeed in sterilising it.

Hey! Any non-US peers do this "eggnog" thing?

Reply with your credit card details to A/c 127863-0986 Bank of Nigeria.

(Got to be worth a try)

by gadgetgirl

our nearest alternative would be....

"Eveninks and Morninks....I drink....."

Remember that one? Grief, Ma got a bottle of it every year.....it was opened on NYE, and she had one (1) and was anyones...if she had two (2) she was everyones.....

oh, and a hot buttered rum for me please, made only the way a Navy man can....!

:D

GG

by Member 25348569

Advocaat and lemonade with strange scummy froth on top and a cherry on a stick. They'd make a weak one for us kids (My Dad: Slip the little buggers another one so they'll shut up for a minute).

Happy days!

by jdclyde

I had just downloaded a recipe for this, but it is lost on my desk somewhere!

Recipe! Recipe!

I would LOVE to make this!

by maecuff

You don't WANT the recipe. It's truly vile. No one should drink anything that THICK. Blech. Stick with your tequila. Straight out of the bottle. If you must, get a big ass shot glass.

by stargazerr

as an annual holiday and some time off to go see your friends and family ..

I dont celeberate christmas ... because my religion does not follow christmas ... but i just use the time off from office to go on a visiting spree ...

]:)

by firestar1

Hey!...I should have thought about that credit card thing before I sent the recipe for eggnog. Bet I could have gotten a few bites. :)

by Member 25348569

was how I heard him say it.

The US tradition of lighting up the outside of your house is catching on with a few people over here. Last year there were traffic jams around one or two particularly over-the-top efforts with sightseers coming from miles around.

by Member 25348569

and, I've never made any secret of it, I'm an atheist. But today we have the "Winter Event" and I will not be going. Had we had a "Christmas Party" then I would have gone. It's my first Christmas with this organisation and I dread to think what sort of a party could be organised by such a PC-obsessed crowd of wasters.

And the party starts at 3pm and I don't finish until 6pm!

by gadgetgirl

I hope you're having a drink behind their backs!

If they're that PC, they're not really going to be having a good time anyway, so I don't think you'll be missing out on anything.

And if you are - well, you're bound to be first in line for all the gossip. Which will be all the sweeter knowing that they've got nothing they can hang on you!

Winter Event? Now that really IS Bah Humbug!

GG

by Member 25348569

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 02, 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the Ofcom's Christmas Party will take place on December 8, starting at 3pm in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO, Stephen Carter, shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 4:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over ?10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you all.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 03, 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you all.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 03, 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that ?10 is too much money and executives believe ?10 is a little stingy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 04, 2005

RE: Holiday Event

What a diverse group we are! I've just been informed that December 05 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a party at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until sunset or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for vertically-challenged people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert

For Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*ucking Employees
DATE: November 05, 2005

RE: The F*ucking Winter F*cking Event

Vegetarian pr*icks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu*cking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.

I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 06, 2005

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 8th off with full pay.

by skidoggeruk

They have to be PC. Besides you probably have a number of people who are probably not Christian.

I have managed to wriggle out of the local Christmas party tomorrow, as I no longer work directly for the company I support. Phew. Now I won't have to pretend to be friendly with a bunch of people doing likewise. AND I will not have to dance with work colleagues. Why do they seem to insist on having a bad school disco at these things? If you need to dance go to a club. In years past we used to manage to slink off after an over-priced turkey meal, to sample whatever pubs were near by. This always seemed to be a lot more enjoyable to me.

by gadgetgirl

grief, I remember those alright.

My uncle was a head chef for P & O and could actually make a proper snowball - without the froth going scummy!

He was the one who used to make the hot buttered rum, and also the BEST Calypso coffee in the world (fortunately passing that particular recipe on to me.....YUM!)

And yes, if you gave any rugrats more than one, you were guaranteed a quieter time!

:D

GG

by jkameleon

1,3,5) Yup, that's what Christmas is all about. A trumpery peddler's holiday.

2) IMHO that's the main reason for increase of suicides during Christmas

4) Makers of lawn decorations need to get rid of their junk too. See point 1,3&5

6,7) Same here

8) Yea, keep hoping :(

> I'm truly looking forward to when I'm in my 70's and people will excuse me for being curmugeonly. Until then, keep your tinsel out of my face.

IMHE, being irascible, curmugeonly and grumpy during Christmas is the best thing one can do. People arround you will appreciate it. It reflects their own hidden feelings, and besides, it's nice to meet a normal person during the time of collective madness.

by dmambo

Watch the first 45 minutes of the old "A Christmas Carol" movie. It'll help. WARNING: Avert your eyes during any of the Tiny Tim scenes.

by maecuff

I can't stand smarmy, cuddly, cutsy crap like that. That I can do without. I like Christmas morning and watching the little one open his gifts. The adult children? Well, they aren't quite as fun.

by maecuff

Wow..you must be a pro. I've definitly had blurred vision before, but it's never been permanent. Unless it IS permanent and I haven't noticed due to my advanced age.

by itgirli

It's so commercial. And let's not call it Christmas. It's called Holiday. With Holiday Trees and Holiday lights. Let's not offend the liberals who want to decided what everyone must a tree for fear that their rights might be stepped on. I say if you want to put up a Christmas Tree, then you are participating in Christmas. Like it or not, if you don't want to call it Christmas, don't celebrate it. And what's with everything beign called Holiday? The word Holiday comes from "Holy" and "Day". So you don't want to call it Christmas (Birth of Christ), but you feel fine calling it a Holy Day. When will people make sense?!
Okay. done my ranting. wait.. forgot something. When my family gets together for Christmas I like to get the kids together and tell them about the tradition and origin of the Mistletoe (it was a druidic ceremony). My family hates it when I do that. okay.
So DMambo, let me address your issue with this: I hate it too!
Here's what I do. I make a list of people I'm going to buy for and how much I'm going to spend. So I spend about $10 per person. then I take that amount ($10) and multiply it by people I'm buying for, then that's how much I'll spend on my son. Then his birthday is a week later and I have to spend the same amount again.
I do all of my shopping online, except for tape and wrapping paper which I get from the dollar store when they sell it two for one after last years Christmas.
Looking for things to buy?
I like to shop online at www.collectionetc.com or www.spilsbury.com .
So the packages get sent to my home, I wrap them in cheap paper and mark them off my list.
When someone asks me what I want for Christmas I say a gift card to Barnes & Noble. I stay fully stocked in books for at least a few months. They feel happy because they got me a gift and I feel happy that I don't have to spend my money on my book addiction. (I've recently gotten into Frank McCourt)
So I go and see family and exchange gifts and we all get drunk and don't drive anywhere. There's usually at least one good fight. The joys of Christmas. Bah! Humbug!

by maecuff

McCourts newest book yet? I just bought that for my stepdaughter for Christmas. I read it before I wrapped it, I was just very careful to not open it all the way and crack the binding. My husband was amused watching my lay in bed reading a partially opened book.

by itgirli

I have not read it yet, but I will as soon as I get my gift cards for Christmas.

by dmambo

Read McCourt's descriptions of some of his childhood Christmas's in "Angela's Ashes" It'll bring a lovely cold and scratchy feeling to your heart.

I think I'll get a pig's head for Christmas dinner.

by itgirli

Met some guy in a bar and he handed me the book and told me to read it. So I did. Now I'm going to read them all.

by jdclyde

Ok, so Holiday is from Holy day, and is suppose to be just as acceptable as Christmas?

Then why do we have other holidays during the year? Thanksgiving isn't very religious, nor is labor day (unless your a union "worker") nor is fourth of July .

Spend less money and more time. Avoid family you don't like or get along with. This is not a time of obligation, but of joy to be alive and be with the people we TRULY care for. (like your son!)

Where do I shop? Toys-R-Us, an electronics store, and an outdoors shop. Just look for anything I would LOVE that is inline with the recipients likes, that stays in the $20 range. The nephues LOVE when Uncle Jeff does the shopping! Not usually the most expensive gift they will recieve, but it will be the one they are playing with after the gifts are all open.

by jcritch

Time for you to Reboot and operate in safe mode.
You need to uninstall all you have loaded and return your operating system back to what is was on the day you were born.

I look at what CHRISTmas is commemorating, a gift to each of us, may I suggest that next Christmas you work with a local charity, adopt a family and witness what the spirit of Christmas is supposed to be. See the anticipation and appreciation in those who have nothing. This would be a great project for you whole family.

by maecuff

what turns me off about the holidays. Maybe Mambo is perfectly HAPPY being a curmudgeon. He certainly didn't tell anyone else they should hate the holidays.

Why would you feel sorry for him? Because he may or may not share your beliefs? And maybe he DOES work with a local charity at Christmas, you can do that and STILL be a grinch. And why is it that if you don't care for something, that people get the whole 'People Have Less Than You' stuff? Is inflicting guilt part of the whole Christmas spirit?

by jcritch

As is his desire and right to be a Grinch is my desire to share and enjoy the season.

He could be a man and say, I hate this, do not want to participate, do not buy me anything and I will not buy you anything. Until he has the backbone to do that, then do not complain about being forced into it.

If he works in a 7x24 shop, maybe he can donate his time so someone else can enjoy the time off.

Has he ever heard of giving CA$h, and asking for it?

Has he furnished people with his "Christmas List"

Has he ask others what would they want versus buying them the wrong thing year after year.

As a It guy, would he reload the same driver time and time again, knowing it will fail, or would he research a solution to the problem?

I would hope he would not repeat a effort knowing it will fail.

What has he done to rectify the situation?

I donated my time and resources to charity long before I became a Christian. This is just the one time of the year where everyone can make a extra effort to be civil to one another, and share the resources, either by monetary, culinary, and just the gift of companionship we all have.

by maecuff

would anyone be extra civil just because it's Christmas? Either you are civil or you're not. Companionship is important, and it's something that can be shared all year, not forced just because it's the end of December.

by Member 25348569

No known species of reindeer can fly. Ok, I admit that there are maybe millions of species of living organisms yet to be classified and, while most of these are insects and germs, this does not [b]completely[/b] rule out flying reindeer.

There are 2 billion children in the world. But, since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million. We'll be generous here and simplify the sums so there's around 3 children per household so that's 128 million homes or so. We will assume, again to keep it simple, there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 1075 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Oh, and drink the sherry in all British households.

Assuming that each of these 120 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth - which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept - we are now talking about a total trip of 115 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 1000 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set at 2 pounds, the sleigh is carrying 115,000 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

Even granting that "flying reindeer" could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 42,700 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to over 200,000 tons. Again, for comparison - this is three times the weight of the liner Queen Elizabeth.

200,000 tons travelling at 1000 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft's re-entering the earth's atmosphere. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vapourised within 4.26 thousandths of a second leaving behind nothing but a fleeting smell of roasting venison.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to g-forces 17,000 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be squeezed through any holes in the back of his sleigh by 4,000,000 pounds of force before the sleigh and lego sets are consumed in a fireball, probably over New zealand.

by m_a_r_k

I don't celebrate Ramadan, Hanukkah or Bastille Day and I don't feel compelled to gripe about those holidays to the world. Face the facts. Christmas is a holy day for Christians, just like Ramadan is for Muslims, Hanukkah is for Jews and so on. (I dare you to go to the Middle East in November and gripe about Ramadan). If you're not Christian, don't feel compelled to turn Christmas into all those things you people are bitching about. If you hate Christmas so much, at least be grateful that you get a holiday. And don't spoil a festive time for those people that do enjoy Christmas, whether or not they enjoy it for secular or sectarian reasons. Do you sourpusses always get ticked off when you see a person in a joyous mood?

by stargazerr

People dont seem to want to celeberate christmas as a religious occassion any more ... It has become so commercialized ..

]:)

by m_a_r_k

Who usurped this Christian holy day? Has to be an evil well-financed group with their own agenda for controlling the world. The evidence points directly to either liberals or big oil companies. Or Bill Gates. ]:)

by maecuff

Yes, I make it a point, if I see someone looking too damn happy for their own good, to remind them that they are going to die one day.

Merry %&*$ing Christmas! :)

by Member 25348569

It's [b]fun[/b] being grumpy. Anyway, I think most of the column is a wind-up with some people being a tad provocative and waiting for the odd nibble on the bait...[b]spit it out[/b]

btw. Ramadan started October 5th this year because the Muslims in our office got really miserable when we were eating Snickers in front of them. I think it moves backwards by 11 days a year as the "Islamic Year" is a bit weird.

by m_a_r_k

too many holiday parties with too many holiday feasts and cookies and eggnog. My chiseled, Adonis-like frame magically transforms into the Pilsbury doughboy between Thanksgiving and Christmas. :D

by maecuff

It's okay. Don't apologize. Max is old enough, it's time he learned that there is no Santa..

by maecuff

I think we're going to have a little chat about The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy too.

by stargazerr

blame Bill Gates ... but I guess its us (people) .. we are so busy buying gifts, decorating, having a holiday, visiting friends and family .. that we fail to take a minute out of our day and be truly thankful for what we have ...

]:)

by m_a_r_k

on Thanksgiving. Everyone but Jaqui, that is. Jacqui hates Pilgrims and he wants to give Texas back to Mexico. No wait, he wants to give the U.S. back to the Indians (American Indians, that is). But I digress... I better shutup before I pi$$ somebody off. ]:)

by stargazerr

That proves why christmas has become more of a holiday instead of a holy day ....

Are you guys thankful, only once a year?? what about the people who dont celeberate thanksgiving??

]:)

by m_a_r_k

Some people don't celebrate Thanksgiving? I thought the whole world celebrates all American holidays? We're back to the vast left-wing Bill Gates-inspired big-oil conspiracy again. Don't believe what they say. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. And the world really isn't round. Lewis and Clark proved that when they came to a dead end at the Pacific Ocean and subsequently got eaten by Bigfoot.

by stargazerr

You Americans .... Lookee here ... However much u get shocked but a world outside america exists really ...

Ok .. going home time .... c ya ...

]:)