Software

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

By Bill Detwiler

Image
1
of 20

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Help my computer

Help my computer

ntHere at TechRepublic, our editors get lots of email–questions, compliments, criticism, and plenty of spam. We do our best to respond.
nt
ntBut sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just can’t decipher what the sender is asking for. And other times, what they’re asking for is illegal, impractical, or just bizarre.?Here’s a look at some of the more interesting ones. I’ve blacked out the names and email addresses to protect the innocent (or clueless).
nt
ntJust know that my goal is not to discourage people from asking questions. Rather, I hope these emails encourage those with legitimate questions to do a little leg work before hitting the Send button. Browse the TechRepublic blogs and forums. Use our site search to find material relevant to your query. Or at the very least, enter your question into a search engine. If you’re still unable to find a solution (and you’re not asking for an Windows XP CD key), then by all means, ask away.
nt
ntImage by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic
ntCaptions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Send me everything you have on "spread sheets"

Send me everything you have on "spread sheets"

This email is a great example of someone making an impractical request, while at the same time being lazy. TechRepublic has tons of articles, free downloads, and even paid products to help members get the most from Excel. And there’s ton more information around the Web. All you have to do is look.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Would you help me pirate software?

Would you help me pirate software?

We get lots of requests for Windows product keys. But, this individual didn’t even take the time to ask.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Another product key request

Another product key request

For millionth time, no.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Does the "net" have any information on Windows 2000 and Lotus Notes

Does the "net" have any information on Windows 2000 and Lotus Notes

This person wants to know if there is any information about Windows 2000 and Lotus notes on the Web. Nope. Nothing. Only MS DOS and Edlin.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Monitor won't come on

Monitor won't come on

If I read this email correctly, this individual built a bare-bones computer and is having trouble with the monitor. So they can put the computer together, but can’t troubleshoot a monitor problem?

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Blocking USB on Linux

Blocking USB on Linux

I think this individual wants to block the USB port on his Linux servers, but he wrote “to get access.” I’m already confused.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Unable to following links on AOL

Unable to following links on AOL

Here’s a good example of someone who needs to be a bit more specific with their question. What links–email, websites, chat sessions? Are you having trouble with links on specific sites? All site? I would like to help this person. Honestly, I would. But, this is a computer troubleshooting rabbit hole.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Windows 2000 password

Windows 2000 password

Another person that I would love to help, but I’m not exactly sure what they need. Is the password not working? Do they not know their user name? Did they try to use the recovery CD? Is the recovery CD from the vendor or a Windows recovery CD?

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Are you for real?

Are you for real?

I’m flattered. But, this can’t be for real.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

The internet tracking business

The internet tracking business

I’m not sure what this member means by “Your stuff,” but if his traffic isn’t “that bad” then I’m sure he has nothing to worry about.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Has a project every failed due to bad project management?

Has a project every failed due to bad project management?

This individual wants to know if an international project has ever failed due to a lack of project management? What more can I say?

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Not sure about becoming a network administrator

Not sure about becoming a network administrator

The individual has a few simple questions about the job market for netadmins in South Africa. TechRepublic has lots of IT career content, but there are entire books written about just the first two questions alone.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Wants to be the best Sysadmin possible

Wants to be the best Sysadmin possible

This want to be the best system administrator possible. Please start by learning how to use a search engine.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Wants us to be her personal "computer friend"

Wants us to be her personal "computer friend"

TechRepublic is available 24-hours a day, 365 days a year. Unfortunately, I have to sleep.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Numerous registry issues

Numerous registry issues

This person either wants a free registry cleaner (something a quick Web search would find) or wants us to clean out their registry at “NO CHARGE.”

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Does Microsoft voice (huh?) ever crash?

Does Microsoft voice (huh?) ever crash?

I don’t really know if this individual is asking a question or just ranting about his computer. And, what does he mean by Microsoft Voice–Voice Commands, Outlook Voice Access, Voice Recognition?

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Wants us to validate his software

Wants us to validate his software

This individual has a worn product code sticker and wants us to activate and validate his software from here.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

Sysadmin with no idea about what to install

Sysadmin with no idea about what to install

I don’t even know where to being with this one. Someone who’s been a sysadmin for six months should have SOME idea about what type of hardware and software their company needs.

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

20 off-the-wall emails from the technically clueless

CCNA wants to know more about the IT industry

CCNA wants to know more about the IT industry

Apparently this newly-minted CCNA wants to know “more about the it industry.”

Image by Bill Detwiler / TechRepublic

Captions by Bill Detwiler

Image of Bill Detwiler
By Bill Detwiler
Bill Detwiler is the Editor for Technical Content and Ecosystem at Celonis. He is the former Editor in Chief of TechRepublic and previous host of TechRepublic's Dynamic Developer podcast and Cracking Open, CNET and TechRepublic's popular online show.