friday yuk

Perfectly summed it up, 'ropes. Someone gets it.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him," she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

So here's a couple

The doctor walks into the examination room. There is a very beautiful woman lying on the table. The doctor begins his exam, and lets his hands wander. He strokes her neck, and asks "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies "Your checking my lymph nodes."

He moves his arms down, unbuttons her shirt, and fondles her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks. "Your checking for breast cancer" she replies. The doctor figures since the woman is obviously depressed and being very complacent, he'll try his luck.

So he pulls it out of his pants, takes off the patients skirt, and goes to work. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks. "Yes," she replies. "Your getting Gonorrhoea, thats what I'm here for."

-----------------------------

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman were discussing what the most important invention was. The Englishman said, "I think the heart transplant was the greatest invention ever, because I had a dodgy heart, and it'd be curtains for me if it wasn't for a heart transplants." The Scotsman said, "I think liver transplants are the best, as I'm partial to a bit of whiskey, and it'd be curtains for me if I hadn't replaced my liver." The Irishman then said, "I think blinds were the greatest invention ever, otherwise it'd be curtains for all of us."

(I don't know why but I just like that one!)

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I'm fresh out of jokes you haven't heard right now though. The best I can do is a full-size gif of my current avatar, the fart-tax dodger.

Jealous? Let me check.

Yep. I am, a little bit.

I just use blank address labels and a pen.

Edit: I forgot W2K misplaces stuff like that.

I don't do that too much. I try to put things back in the same place every time I get done with it even if it's someplace weird, like keeping a roll of electrical tape on top of the microwave.

Now that everything is picked up I'm kind of lost. I'm organized all right but I can't find shlt! :D

I will happily send you one and some tape. They go to sale price here pretty routinely and I always have cash in points with the local retailer.

The laminated labels are great, especially if you are using a non bar-coded system. When we went to bar-coding, I had to retire the P-Touch to personal use only.

They have one now with multiple fonts for scrapbooking. I keep looking at them and thinking I should get one. They're PINK!

Edit to add- Don't do that "organising" thing. It's bad for you. You won't find things that you want and you will think you are senile. Just don't go there.

Training tomorrow. If the thunder in the distance is any clue, it will be "environmental" training. I hate that!

I never forget where my cigarette lighters are!
I have no problem finding my power tools, they are right under that pile of....
I have only forgotten my badge for work 2x in 5 years.
But when it comes to pens, labels, and organizing crap, I can never find them, even at work. At work I have a drawer with 3 boxes of pens because I lose them around my desk constantly. Heck, yesterday I lost 3, I swear there are pen gnomes living around my desk, but I can never find them......
I am sooo bad with labels, that instead, at work I moved to post-its and have pads everywhere. then I tape them to whatever, it looks ugly though, and they tear easily.

At home though, there is no room for stuff. I live in a double-wide mobile (renting) with 2 others. I got a garage size storage unit for us to split, we filled it up, and now it looks the same as when I had to clean last time. Funnt thing, I stopped buying stuff.
Hmmm, what is this that I just kicked, oops, not mine!

Those label-makers are great.

One time I helped to set-up a tool-crib for a new Division, I forget how many Stanley-Vidmar cabinets we bought, 15 or so, from 6 to 12 drawers each.

We had to label every tool storage location and it was Corporate SOP to buy three toolholders for every turret station, even if there were duplicates. :0

That wasn't MY idea. I don't know why that company is hurting like they are right now. Hmmm...

Anyway, we had five machine-lines with nothing but CNC equipment front to back so there were a LOT of tool-holders, replacement parts and tools up the wazoo, (not a good place for 'em either).

I used one of those labelers so much I got "Nintendo thumb". :p

Nice units. And you are very nice for making the offer but I'll decline. I do thank you though. :x

I do know that no, they can not use skates or sticks in the fights.

As for getting hurt, have you ever seen the dental bill for a hockey team?

In the same area as the link I put up is a "one hit" fight. dude goes down.

The refs left them fight, some. It is what the crowd wants, so it is what the crowd gets. Throw in a few lions, and lets make this interesting...

I live in jandels [flipflops] for the U.S people. in winter I wear sox with them inside. summer I go everywhere in them. my wife is from the U.S and she cant understand it. just the cheap rubber ones. and the longer you wear them they get thinner and mould to your feet,and get real comfy then you start to feel stones ect through them and its time to trade up to a new pair

Don't worry about it, Ropes. It caught me slightly unawares in the middle of a Yuk but it's no less relevant for that.

England is (still) hugely class-ridden and although it's not as bad as the Indian caste system in that there is some mobility between classes, there are still definite social boundaries. I was born working class, made it to midle class by virtue of education - the first generation to be able to do that - but could never make upper class in Britain no matter how much money I got together or who I married.

And I HATE that...

.

Asked my wife if she'd like a cup of tea.

Her response

I feel crook, my tummy is dong backflips. Its been this way since breakfast.

Me

So that means you don't want a cuppa?

Her

No I do want a cuppa!

What's wrong with "Yes (please - optional if you want to be polite)"?

Herb

yes, I am always confusing things, or I am just confused I guess.

but, I swear, JD made me do it! Oops, that is Tiggers excuse!

Woman goes to plastic surgeon to get a face lift.
Op. goes well and she's really pleased. The surgeon tells her that he has installed the latest innovation to make future lifts much easier, its a screw at the back of the head. He warns her to never play with this screw.

A few years later this same woman goes back to the surgeon complaining about bags under the eyes.
He takes one look and says that they're not bags but her breasts, and if she continues to muck about with that screw she'll wind up with a goatee.

Herb

just edit your first post and you can add it to the tags, although I dont think it really matters now, as it seems everyone found us here anyway :p

And you dont have to apologise, was just a bit of advice thats all :D

Maybe I'm a 16 year old male impersonating a 12 yr old girl.

That doesn't make me sound AS bad! :D

;)

Good one Hal.. I wonder at the intellegence of the controlling body that allows this sort of thuggery to go on. They could outlaw it is a quick rule change. Look at rugby, they get red carded [ sent off ] for talking back to a ref, let alone hitting them. if they did that they would never play again. and they make good coin, so it polices itself. And they dont need a armoured suit to play. Same applys to league and aussie rules. Down this end of the world sports are well controlled by rules and public opinion, and refs have a following like players

Now I can think of one place where I'm likely to hear that. Hull(Yorkshire) I have a lot of relatives there, in fact everytime we hear from them someone is pregnant. 9 times out of 10 there pregnant or married to their cousin, uncle, etc. My family in Hull could not be more inbred if they tried, and I've heard that a lot of Hull/Yorkshire is the same, so maybe it wont be long before gimme six is a popular phrase there!

(Just an afterthought - I apologise to anyone who comes from Hull, if you do I only need to say one word and you will understand - Bransholme, now you cant say I'm not being truthful!!)

I've just read a rather interesting story. Someone thinks we should keep chavs as (in England) the are helping distribute the wealth and eliminate the north/south divide by taking money from the south (government) and spending it in the shops (or local drug dealers) up north (obviously except for those essex chavs) anyway I know that that statement is a load of tripe but here was his suggestions for farming chavs, which I found rather funny

How to Farm Chavs :-

I recommend a Tower Block? because it?s a good Chav space and very easy to clean. For bedding, hardwood shavings or CareFresh are preferred. Pine is readily available and usually does not cause problems. A few squares of toilet paper make a soft, warm nest. Besides that, you?ll need a water bottle (filled with 8% ABV Cider, a food dish (donner meat is a staple part of the diet, though for a special treat MaccyD's) and a 77? exercise wheel (if you want your Chav to be productive it must be able to outrun the natural enemies of the Chav (the police and everyone who isnt a Chav).
If your Chav is male then you need to keep it with other male Chavs, Chavs are sociable animals (to other Chavs) and do not function well on their own.
Be sure to keep male Chavs seperate from Female Chav's (you can tell the difference becuase the female Chavs have bigger gold earings), if you are going to keep female Chavs together be sure to invest in a good pair of ear protectors, those used by airport ground staff are particulary good.

Chav Behaviour

Chavs are inherently sociable animals, they tend to gravitate towards a hierarchical group structure with an alpha male and alpha female. The alpha chav male is selected by a brutal darwininan winnowing of the group, generally the alpha chav male will be the one with all the following characteristics.

Never had a Job

Has more children than he has brain cells (this is generally 3 children)

The inability to form a coherent sentence without at least a dozen swearwords.

The ability to drink enough alcohol to drop a Rhino and still outrun the police.

Enough fake gold jewellery to make Mr T stop in his tracks.

The Alpha Female Chav is selected by the same critera as the Alpha Male Chav except the Alpha Female Chav can take a shortcut to supremacy (by lying down with her legs open).

Keeping your Chav healthy is a hard task, that high fat, low protein, vitamin deficient diet requires that the Chav recieve regular exercise, introducing old ladies into the Chav pack can give them valuable exercise but nothing beats the Police when it comes to Chav Exercise. If you find your Chav pack is growing too large (only yeast can reproduce faster than a Chav pack) you can reduce the population by introducing stealable cars (that would be one with wheels, few cars can withstand a sustained chav attack). Chavs are good at very few things and driving a stolen car isn't one of them. You could also force your Chavs to get a job..however this might violate the UN Human Rights act (for their co-workers at any rate), few chavs can survive more than a week or two of work without either commiting suicide or morphing into human beings. Finally remember that caring for a Chav is a hard and enduring task but can be very rewarding.

as it does in the U.S.? Or is that just another difference between our dimentia and everybody else's?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5IlxYlcmYU

edited to fix URL

where is "VI" ?

Sure wish TR would and a friggen COUNTRY space!

As for the wife, it isn't what they SAY that counts, it is what they MEAN. Of course, we don't understand either, so it doesn't really matter..... B-)

have fun.

Although, winning is always good, too. Tool. :)

Although some are more of one than the other...

Not sure why they remind me of a tuna fish sandwich though... :0

the Amazing Troy-Built Chipper/Shredder.

You will never understand the answer..... :p

I'd probably go too far if I had a chipper/shredder. If you saw our first bonfire every year you'd know exactly what I mean.

We threw a 36" rusted steel door in there one year and never found anything that looked like it could've been a door when we cleaned the fire-pit later.

"It's not a bonfire unless you could see it from space."

I'm not thick honest :( It just takes me longer to catch on to things (like jokes or mistakes) thats not a blonde thing is it?? oh please tell me I dont have a blonde brain :(

]:)

JD is totally right.

[b]Dawg[/b] ]:)

is that taking my clothes off on the grass outside my flat is going to [b]reduce[/b] my popularity with the neighbours.

You're making a few assumptions, here...

Neil :)

The sun has come out and the rain has stopped! I'm off out to buy something...

we both know you couldn't REDUCE what they think of you....

That is the great thing about other peoples low expectations, they are easier to exceed!

Enjoy that shower... ;\

I'm confused, and I was only blonde until I was 13 anyway so I can't still act blonde, really, can I??

Arrgghh I hate men, they mess with my mind! :_|

is it your NOT rubbing, and where are you NOT rubbing it? :0

Symptoms: physically challenged by simple tasks.
General clutziness in performance of simple things.

Need we go on???

Ok, I've just recieved this joke in German so I'm going to do my best to translate it cos I thought it was rather good, don't blame me if I miss out the punchline, as JD & Dawg have informed me I'm blonde :_|

A very beautiful blonde goes to a casino, she changes 10.000.- EUR into chips and decides to try her luck at the roulette table.

There are two employees at the table and they are shocked when the blonde informs them that she wants to bet all her chips on the one number. She then says to them "before I place the bet, I'm very supersticious, and I find that I am luckier when I am naked, is that ok?"
The two men look at each other and both tell her that that is no problem.

So, the blonde takes off all her clothes and places all her chips on the table. The two Croupiers are unable to contain their excitement at this beautiful naked woman before them and they smile to each other thinking how lucky they are.

While the roulette wheel spins the blonde shouts to herself "mama needs new clothes, mama needs new clothes"

When the ball stops rolling she jumps up and down screaming "I've won! I've won!" She then grabs hold of the two men hugs them and kisses them and grabs all her winnings from the table and goes to collect her money.

Once she has gone the first man looks at the other and says "What number did she place the chips on?"
The second man replies "I don't know I thought you had checked that"

The moral of the story? Not all blondes are thick but all men are the same!

I don't think I done too bad there, it still makes sence right??

You'll just have to use your imagination :p

So does that mean I can blame my mum?? She's a natural blonde, so can I say it'S her fault and get away with it??

I'm tired of being male now, I'll admit I smuggled in a laptop and GG only let me use it if I pretend not to be me, oh how she's going to torture me now :(

And I'm not blonde, really I'm not :(

Mae with her shovel, Stefan with whatever he prefers who is currently impersonating Steffi and GG with her new Electric Cattle Prods will come chasing you if you do not edit your original listing to add the Friday Yuk Tag. ?:|

Stefan is really a Blond so you never take his comments with any truth as he'll do the exact opposite and not see a problem. :0

Col ]:)

Reminds me of Friday nights gone past... went to the fights and a hockey game broke out!!!

I just gotta point out... throwing a punch on skates takes skill!

I think that you protest too much to be believable. :0

Col ]:)

I think that I understand Mae and that just not possible as a male can never truly understand a Female. :0

It would make way tooooooooo much sense if we could understand everything that was meant by the females as then they would be saying what they mean and not be expecting us to understand what it is that they are saying which never has any connection to what they actually mean. :p

Col ]:)

You're right it takes [i][b]REAL[/i][/b] skill to throw a really damaging blow. It might look fierce and dramatic but the law of action/reaction kicks in [b][i]most[/i][/b] of the time.

Why are Tupperware and walruses similar???
They like a tight seal.

It's just that we hide most of the time. Self preservation..

And Col, I'm easy to understand because I nearly ALWAYS say exactly what I mean. It makes things so much less complicated. Sure, sometimes it bites me on the ass, but I don't care, I prefer to be the way that I am.

Edited to add: Okay, when I'm being a smartass, I'm not really saying what I mean. But that doesn't count. The trick is to know the difference.

[i]"I think that I understand Mae and that just not possible as a male can never truly understand a Female."[/i]

A male can't understand a female, but YOU DO???

:0

Now THAT is funny!!!!

B-) :^0 ;\

Atlanta player takes a cheap shot on Darcy Tucker....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Yq2AVlXRVQ&mode=related&search=

takes one to know one..

I am afraid I don't understand what you mean.

Hey Col, can you explain this? :p

Ohhhh..Unless that's how you lure them in? Is that your trick? Bat your eyes and play dumb and innocent?

I've got you all figured out.

I'm NOT playing... um, I mean I'm not dumb!.. un, I'm not not dumb and/or playing dumb! I just don't understand you! :p

:0
[i]
Edited to add:[/i] This was MUCH funnier when it was ME teasing Col....

I always see shirts that say

"Give blood, play the Red Wings".

on whether you wear socks with them!

Yes, I have met folks like that. I don't deny they exist. I squirm, hide, wretch, flinch and pale when I see/hear/meet them but they exist. They actually exist in every country on the planet which I also find sad but undeniable.

Fortunately, there are a lot of the others around that can speak intelligently. They just tend to keep their heads down too so we, as a group, don't get much attention from the news.

With that in mind, I think I will point the finger back at blondes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLLLJXWYwtI

Of course my best friend from college, an A+ honor student and drop dead gorgeous Blonde, would probably kick me in the teeth for this... :D

When you look at a country the size of the U.S. I can understand that there is so much going on within your own borders, that things that happen in the real world just get passed over. there is only so much news that any media can supply, and in the U.S case you have a world of your own, without covering anything but the big breaks from outside

And stop telling everyone I'm blonde :(

It is a big country. There is a lot of everything, including ignorance. People are not challanged to think in many cases and when they are challanged, they freeze up.

Then, unfortunately, we put into power a group of people that can't read, can't remember what they did a couple of months ago or can't follow the laws and use the correct e-mail accounts. And this was supposed to be the administration that cleaned up the white house after Billy couldn't keep his Willy in check.

Once, I was working on a report at AT&T. I had a 4 foot map of the US next to a 6 foot map of Texas. A young secretary walked in and started looking at the right edge of the US map, right around New Jersey. Next she walked over to the Texas map and started looking at the right hand edge there.

I asked her what she was looking for and she asked "Where is New Jersey on this map?" My answer was the most difficult straight answer I have ever given.